Rep. Todd Rokita
Hope all of you out there have had a good August. And the IR gang hopes all of you have a good Labor Day weekend next week. Now let's get down to business. Previously INDY REPUBLICAN has written about the nasty GOP Senate Primary battle between Congressmen Luke Messer and Todd Rokita. Click
here and
here for our previous posts on this.
Recently some facts have come to light that show a less then flattering view of Congressman Todd Rokita (affectionately referred to by the IR staff as "dipshit").
A very special and gifted INDY REPUBLICAN reader alerted all of us to an article published on August 18th, 2017 at POLITICO.COM written by John Bresnahan and Rachel Bade entitled "
The agonizing, 8-page memo on how to chauffeur a congressman". Mr. Bresnahan and Ms. Bade relay to their readers just what all being a driver for Congressman Rokita entails. IR has included our commentary in parentheses alongside the article by POLITICO. Bresnahan and Bade
write:
Empty his trash. Always have hand sanitizer and gum at the ready. And don’t bother with “unnecessary conversation” — the congressman doesn’t have time for your chitchat. (Simply put the Congressman is above you. And as a lowly driver you are not worthy of speaking to him)
Demanding, high-maintenance bosses are notorious on Capitol Hill. The late Sen. Ted Kennedy's staff had to walk his dog, poop pick-up and all. Former Texas Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison made her male aides carry her purse.
Who knew it could take eight pages of instructions on how to properly escort a member of Congress around his district? Yet there it is, laid out in mind-blowing detail, in a memo obtained by POLITICO that's sure to make any young, eager-beaver political aide shudder.
Tasks listed in the document, entitled “Instructions on Staffing and Driving — District Version,” include handing Rokita a cup of black coffee upon picking him up at his home, acting as a physical barrier between him and trackers looking to capture embarrassing footage of the congressman, and “avoid[ing] sudden acceleration or braking” while driving. (Congressman Rokita is still struggling at 47 years of age to accept the fact that while driving a car sudden speeding up and slowing down may occur. So please don't scare him to much while driving him. He cannot afford to strain his mind that much)
“The goal is to provide as smooth a ride as possible,” reads the instruction manual, co-authored by a former chief of staff to the congressman and Tim Edson, Rokita’s ex-communications director-turned-campaign spokesman.
Drivers are expected to transport not only Rokita’s toothbrush and toothpaste but also stock and tote around the district a nearly 20-item supply box that Rokita’s staffers call “the football.” The contents include gum, hand sanitizer, business cards, bottled water, napkins and Kleenex, lozenges, a stapler and stapler remover, Post-it notes and Shout wipes, among other items.
Rokita needs a hanger in the car for his jacket. Never allow him to be photographed with a drink in his hand. And never forget, the memo states multiple times in boldface, underlined letters, to remind the 47-year-old to bring the essentials. (Todd is so overwhelmed with his vast awesomeness to remember things that most school children remember with ease. So he needs to be coddled.)
Picking up Rokita from his home is a chore, to say the least. Drivers are asked to “please have a cup of black coffee available for him” and to “empty the trash bin if there’s anything in it.” They’re also instructed to “back the vehicle out of the garage and turn it around so you can exit the driveway when Representative Rokita gets in the car.”
“Make sure you pull the car far enough forward that exhaust fumes won’t get in the garage,” the memo adds. (Todd needs plenty of coffee to stay awake and he has subpar skills at avoiding negligible amounts of exhaust fumes. So please spare him the exhaust fumes so that he doesn't suffocate walking 12 feet to his car)
Rokita should be informed of any turns and sudden stops while driving, according to the manual. The less talking, the better, it says: “He often uses the travel time to make phone calls, catch up on email, read and prepare for the day’s meetings and events. Please do not interrupt his prep time with unnecessary conversation.” (Translation: Congressman Rokita doesn't view you the driver as a person. So don't annoy his holiness by speaking to him)
Staffing Rokita's events seems to be a task made for Superman. Drivers are expected to collect contact information from “as many people as possible” and ensure the information is “quickly entered in to the relevant databases.” At the same time, they're supposed to be taking pictures for social media, “notes of all interactions” Rokita has with constituents, identifying reporters and sending Rokita’s communications director a summary of exchanges he has with the press. (Shouldn't Rokita's press aides and other congressional staff have already taken care of this? Why is the driver responsible for also being his secretary? Can Todd not delegate roles at all?)
Another must-do: Keep Rokita hydrated.
“When you arrive at the event, get Todd a non-alcoholic drink that he can carry with him as he visits (water, diet soda, and coffee are best),” the manual reads. (Because left to his own devices Todd will forget to drink any liquids and die of thirst. Either that or on his own he goes straight for alcohol because he can't tell the difference between alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages)
Tips of the trade in the instruction manual include faking it — “The best way to make a good first impression is to look like we know what we are doing” — and ensuring that Rokita doesn’t talk to too many reporters. (Or better yet the best way to make a good impression is to know what you are doing! And since Todd is scared of his own shadow he has to be protected from speaking to reporters, lest they breathe fire on him)
As for dealing with reporters, “Generally less is more,” the document reads, later adding: “TER should not be allowed to talk to any reporters for more than the allotted time.” (Because after the allotted time Todd will immediately suffer a panic attack and make a fool of himself)
Drivers are also expected to protect Rokita from any attendees who they suspect are there only to gather opposition footage of him. The instruction manual warns that trackers could try to catch him in an awkward or embarrassing moment.
The driver is told to “maintain a physical position between TER and the tracker” but warned “do not touch, bump, punch, choke or verbally attack the tracker.” (We feel it is important that you know we don't want the Congressman's drivers to physically assault people. We see how telling you to keep a physical distance between Todd and the tracker might be misconstrued to mean "get medieval on the tracker". Because chauffeurs also double as bodyguards. At least they do working for Todd Rokita)
“This is the type of behavior they are hoping to provoke,” the manual reads.
Drivers are also responsible for keeping Rokita on schedule — but there are guidelines even for that.
“Do NOT say to TER, ‘Todd we have to go,’ or ‘You have an appointment with XYZ,’” the manual reads. “Instead, politely tell the person/people TER is speaking with that you need to get TER on the road.”
The day ends for a Rokita driver much as it began: with the "football" and the trash.
“When you arrive at TER’s house at the end of the day … empty the trash bin … and go over the football checklist and make sure all items are there,” the instructions read. “If anything needs [to be] replenished, report those to the next day’s driver ASAP.”
INDY REPUBLICAN would like to thank our wonderful reader who sent us this article. You know who you are!
We all will be writing more about our good buddy Todd "The Clod" Rokita more in the near future. If this memo is any indication of what kind of "man" Todd Rokita is then let's all pray he gets his ass whipped in next years primary!
